My Triumph over Self-Doubt
We are all performers.
So claims the late Dr. Carrol McLaughlin (Dr. Carrol’s Power Performance). Regardless of whether we are performing a piece in Carnegie Hall, making a proposition in a business meeting, preparing for a job interview, or even introducing a friend at a dinner party, Dr. McLaughlin has a way of expressing the idea that we are all giving a performance every single day of our lives. Dr. McLaughlin also mentions that we all have self-doubt and we talk down on ourselves when it comes to our various performances and what role we play in them.
As a harpist, I am constantly presented with opportunities to play for other people, even during this time where many events have been moved to the online realm. Now, I’m sure you’re reading this in hopes of me telling you how to conquer your stage fright and move on with life. Unfortunately, we are all human, and as such, we are all probably going to struggle with performance anxiety at some point in life. However! Let the following story give you hope, because it is possible to give a performance without being stressed out and having negative thoughts the entire time.
I was an incoming sophomore in high school at a harp camp in Ohio. We were a week into the camp and were preparing for our guest artist who was to be giving a masterclass. The day before the masterclass, I vividly remember staying up until 2 in the morning with my roommates, stressing about how my piece, Largo. №5 by Bach, “wasn’t ready” and “oh man, I’m going to mess up, everyone’s going to be so disappointed in me”.
I woke up the next morning with a fierce determination to not let anything stand in my way of last-minute preparation for the masterclass. I bolted down breakfast, smuggled a couple of blueberry scones into a cup, and sprinted- I kid you not, I sprinted- from the dining hall to have practice time to myself in the practice room I shared with three other harpists (How the administrators of the camp figured that we would all have enough time to have alone practice time with four harps and harpists in a single room, I do not know). After I played through my piece a few times, I wanted to sob. It sounded horrible. There was no feeling in the music. I wasn’t sure how to phrase musically. My fingers were clumsy and sliding on the strings. I wasn’t even sure that my memory was solid. Basically, I was an emotional wreck and I was sure that I was going to royally embarrass myself.
About an hour later, I was standing backstage in a small room by myself, shaking. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I considered pretending to be sick, but deep down inside of me, there was a small piece of pride that refused to let me back out of my performance. This piece started to burn in me and grow bigger. Finally, I decided, “You know what? No. I don’t care what anyone thinks of how I perform this. The point of this camp is for me to improve. I’m not supposed to perform this perfectly! And I’m not going to!”
After I made this conscious decision to not let my performance affect my self-esteem, I immediately began to feel more relaxed. And as I strode out onto the stage, grinning confidently, I knew that I was going to be just fine. In fact, that grin stayed right on my face throughout the whole performance, right up to the last chord, and the singular thought, “I did it!!”
And I did do it. I gave a performance with no cares and no worries. Ever since then, I haven’t had a performance like that, but they have all definitely been less stressful than before I made my decision to ignore how I performed and look at it as a learning experience.
Strangely enough, years later I returned to the recording of the solo piece I performed that day and realized that I didn’t play it perfectly at all. There were little slip-ups all over the place and there were many things I could’ve done to play it better. I chalked this up to my knowledge of music growing and having more understanding of the piece. But I learned from my opportunity. So my message to you is: Don’t worry about how you perform. You may think of it as do-or-die, or that you only have the one time to give it your best shot. You may think your performance is lousy. However, we all need to remember that we are our own biggest critic. So long as you prepare and you give it your all, I know you can succeed!